Seeing the World As Others See It

Divided Conventions, A Divided Nation 

Watching the Republican and Democratic conventions the past two weeks has been an illuminating experience.  While speakers at both conventions made appeals to unifying the American people and to creating change, a tone of blame, derision and outright sarcasm for the “other side” was much in evidence.  In the U.S. such partisanship is thought necessary to winning elections.  It is divisive however, and ruinous when the goal is bringing a divided nation together.

Skills for Bringing a Divided Family Together

As someone who has paid a dear price for participating in a conflict which nearly destroyed a family, I understand how such apparently intractable conflicts work. I also understand what it takes to reconcile and I know it is possible to find peace after years of terrible bitterness and anger.  I learned many things in my journey back to my family and developed skills, all of which are applicable to making peace at the larger, collective level. One of the most important of these is the skill of seeing the world as other people see it.

We Have Tunnel Vision

One of the root causes of most of our conflicts is that we see the conflict from our own point of view but we have tremendous difficulty seeing it from the view of other people. This simple factor accounts for the persistence of on-going conflicts with people we love and with our enemies.  Why don’t they get it? Why don’t they see we are right?

Learning to See Into the Heart of the Other

I began to learn the skill of walking in the shoes of the other when I went to acting school in the mid eighties.  How do great actors so convincingly become other people?  Imagination.  There are other ways most of us can learn to see into the hearts of other humans, especially those who trouble us deeply. All of them take practice.  One is the skill of listening deeply to people you may not like, while setting aside your own preferences and emotional reactions.  I honed this skill in my years with The Compassionate Listening Project.  The other skill is inquiry, learning to ask questions of people while abandoning any need to convince people of the rightness of your point of view. As one learns to see into the heart of the other, the one who was formerly the enemy becomes simply human and thus approachable.  The person who is approachable is someone who can ultimately be loved, if one chooses to open their heart that widely.

Disdain, Sarcasm and Hidden Shame

My sense from watching both U.S. party conventions, was that while most Americans have similar concerns (the economy, health care, safety from terrorism), there are emotions that have gone underground that have not been fully expressed and been honored by the other side.  Feelings of injury and insult, of being disdained by the other side, may fuel the derisive sarcasm and jokes that marked the rhetoric of both conventions.  I sense there is deep shame, embarrassment and confusion among all Americans about the post 9/11 years for having gone so off-course from Iraq to torture, to Guantanamo and beyond and none of the party candidates knows quite how to rectify it.

We Have to Find a Way To Talk To One Another

One thing is clear, unless we find a way, to sit down and talk with each other honestly, without disdain, arguing and blame, we will not be able to come together to make the productive and constructive change that we, in this country yearn for.  And if we Americans can learn to clean up the mess we have made, at home and abroad, we may yet make a real contribution to ending partisanship and enemy-making around the world.

Questions:

1. What experiences have you had with “walking a mile in the shoes of the other”?

2. How have you learned to reconcile with people you were deeply divided from?

I’d like to hear from you. Please send your comments.