Gay Marriage and the Possibility of Social Change

Joy Turns to Shock and Anger

For many the joy of Obama’s Presidential victory was diminished by their shock and anger when Proposition 8 passed in California, overturning gay marriage in that state. The rage and pain for some of my gay and lesbian friends was visceral. They wanted to fight back. I support gay marriage. However, for me the larger question is: How can we encourage the arrival of social change?
One gay friend argued with me vociferously when I referred him to an article by Lee Stranahan which recommends following Obama’s tactics: “What if instead of merely chalking up opposition to “fear and hate” they went in churches and communities and started engaging in conversations? Would they meet with resistance? Of course. Would they see fear and hate? Absolutely. Changing a lifetime of thoughts and feelings isn’t easy but the election showed us change does happen.”

A Range of Tactics in Response
These tactics, he averred, would not work now. Some activists insist that the right approach is to demonstrate and work through ballot measures and the courts. Others want to stage dialogues in which they make reasoned and cogent arguments with the opposing side about the rightness of their claim to equal marriage for all people. Most folks would rather talk at people than with them, rather use argument and logic rather than go down deep to the heart of values, needs and beliefs to where people really live.

Moral Values Run Deep, Hard to Change
For LGBT people, the right to marry a partner of their choosing is gut-deep. It’s about love. For the Latinos, African Americans and Mormons, who led the fight against Proposition 8, this issue is also gut-level deep. It shakes their foundations of “the way the world is supposed to be”, much of this inherited from their religious upbringing. When you have emotions and thoughts that make up the core moral beliefs of people, can passing a law make that  new practice okay with people? I doubt it, as Roe v. Wade clearly shows.

People Can Shift When Respectful Relationship is Established
The most amazing shifts I have seen people make, especially those who espouse radically different views, have come when each listens deeply and honors the world view of the other. When people feel seen, understood and treated with dignity, spaciousness arises. Whenever I go into an encounter with someone who holds a belief radically opposed to my own, I completely drop my own agenda. I do not try to persuade them of anything. My sole effort is to build relationship, a practice I learned in The Compassionate Listening Project.
Human beings can also arrive at this same place of unanimity when working together to solve problems. The use of the Dynamic Facilitation model developed by Jim Rough, brings diverse group members to a unique space he calls choice creating. Group members speak with openness and authenticity and all are fully honored by the facilitators. Consensus decisions are arrived at with relative speed and ease. Breakthroughs occur naturally and spontaneously.

Build the Foundation Now for Eventual Acceptance
In 1973 I formed my first gay friendship and witnessed my friend kissing his lover. I got over the shock. We have all moved on from there. Gay marriage and civil unions are legal in some states. Some of my LGBT friends have children and I have watched them grow to adulthood. They are doing just fine thank you. Gay characters are all over television and the movies.
Although Proposition 8 was a set-back it is not the end. Gay marriage is inevitable. It is coming, whether it takes five years or ten or twenty. Do we want to fight and argue and force people to accept it, and have to deal with the fall-out of that later? Why not build the relationships now that eventually will soften and grow into acceptance?

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