Feeling At Home, Known and Safe in the World

 Lonely in the City

I asked my neighbor Gerald to go to a July 4th Barbecue. I was alone for the weekend. Gerald, an elderly man in his seventies, also lives alone. He was surprised by my invitation and it surprised me as well. It occurred to me that since I moved into this condominium six months ago, I’ve only gotten to know two of my neighbors.

Consider this: We are the most connected society the world has ever known. Almost everyone has a cell phone; people email and text each other constantly. Yet, if you listen to what people are saying, you hear things like, “I’m in fruits and vegetables, do you want brocoli?” We have a compulsive need to stay in touch with those we love, even if the conversations are fairly superficial. Could it be that people have taken to electronic communication with such zeal because of urbanization?

Hunger to Be Connected, to Be Known

Despite all this connection there is a pervasive loneliness and deep divisions in our society. All humans have a hunger to be known for who we truly are. Without this recognition we are lost and very alone. Our challenges are several: to connect with more authenticity, to connect to those we don’t know so we can feel at home where we live, and to connect to those who are different than us. Failure to take on these challenges will make for an ever more dangerous world in the future.

We did not deliberately create this pattern but we are paying a considerable price for it. As a nurse on psychiatric units, I work with people constantly who have attempted suicide. A surprising statistic about gun lethality surfaced recently: 51% of gun deaths are self-inlficted. An enormous number of people are killing themselves! I frequently work with people who did not succeed in their attempt. These are very unhappy people.

A Disconnected Society is a Violent Society

This is an issue of violence. Another cost of a lonely, disconnected society is how it contributes to or even helps to create, those dangerous young men who suddenly go off on wild shooting rampages. Invariably the shooter turns out to be a troubled young man, a loner who kept to himself. No one knew much about him. Then suddenly there he is, armed to the teeth, spraying bullets everywhere –murder, mayhem, tears. Everyone asks, “How did this happen?” But people rarely ask, “Why didn’t I connect with him? Why didn’t I know what was going on with him? Why wasn’t I his friend?”

As globalization and urban density spreads, the problem of disconnection from our neighbors will only grow. If we don’t know our neighbors, they will hide their secrets from us. Terrorists can shelter among us. Mass murderers can plot horrific deeds in our midst. We have a responsibility, I assert, to create the kind of world we want to live in. If we want safety, we must create it. If we want to be known, we must be willing to know those around us.

Create the World We Want to Live In

Some people react to the anonymity of urban life by creating co-housing communities and other intentional communities. These are to be applauded. There are other ways people can create connection with their neighbors. Philip Lovenheim wrote a great piece about how one neighborhood got to know each other by spending the night at each other’s houses. Others have neighborhood potlucks. The point is for us all to feel safe in our neighborhoods an on our streets. The easiest way to begin is with a smile and a hello.